How to Beat Your Roommates to the Bathroom at 8:00am

College can be ruthless. No, I’m not talking about the workload, the papers, exams, and classes themselves. I mean th real nitty gritty; living in dormitories. This means splitting one bathroom amongst four to six other people, and in my case: four people with 9:00am classes and identical morning routines. I know what you’re thinking – how will I ever survive? Well, fear not, my friends, for you’re now delving into my step-by-step manual on how to beat your roommates to the bathroom at 8:00am.

#1. Bottom Bunk, Bottom Bunk, Bottom Bunk. Even before everyone gets settled in, stamp your name on that sucker and stand by it to the death. Roommate claims a fear of heights? Broken ankle? Legal midget? Don’t budge. Every second counts, and when it comes down to it, springing up from the bottom bunk takes a lot less time that trying to climb down from the rafters every morning.

#2. Plan Ahead. This means the night before. Get all your shower materials and clothes together before going to bed. This erases time spent scrambling for essentials before making a dash for it. Everyone wakes up at 8:30? Set the alarm for 8:29. This gives you a leg up without sacraficing much sleep. Although use this tactic as a last resort. If you have competative roommates, they may retaliate, and this may spiral into a deep, dark world of pre-6:00am alarms.

#3. Form Alliances. This can be either domestic or inter-dormitory. Domestic alliances call for teaming up with a fellow roommate in an “I’ll-scratch-your-back-if-you-scratch-mine” sort of arrangement. Have the ally hold back all other roommates while you hop into the bathroom one morning, and then do the same for him/her the next morning. Yes, this means sacraficing precious bathroom time a few days a week, and may also spark a resistance movement. But don’t underestimate the power of teamwork (especially when you’re alliance is the buffest roommate of the room). Inter-dormitory alliances occur when the individual partners with a neighbor or out-of-room friend to set up distractions. Have a friend conference-call your other roommates immediately upon awakening, or stop by the room to ask homework questions inconveniently at the crack of dawn. It’ll mount the tensions and draw in others to the conflict, but this is irreplacable bathroom time we’re talking about here, people. For best results, hire multiple friends with multiple distraction ideas.

#4. Booby-Traps. Never underestimate the power of a good ole homemade college dorm booby-trap. However, this requires going to bed last. If your roommates are sound sleepers, tuck their sheets around them underneath the mattress. After a few seconds of wrestling them free, everyone will be miles behind you. Place a sheet of Saran wrap at eye level across the threshold of the bedroom. A combination of the sheet’s transparency and the roommate’s grogginess will cause him/her to crash head on with the wrap and stop a few minutes to recover from the literal slap in the face. This is perfect time for you to make a run for it. Also use it to put distance between yourself and your competitors. Although make sure you remember you put it there. Nothing’s worse than falling victim to your own cling wrap snare. There are several other time savers – vasaline on the doorknob, whipped cream in the hand, frozen slippers – that will cause roommates to pause or even recoil, adding several seconds to your dash. Though there’s always the classic “hide everyone else’s towels” trick that works like a charm. The possibilities are endless, although be ready for retaliation. Prank wars are not uncommon in the realms of college life – especially at Trinity.

#5. Don’t Look Back. Whatever happens when that alarm clock goes off, don’t stop for anything. Roommate falls, breaks their arm, cries for help, lies in a pool of blood – keep going. It may be an act, and you could be dooped into giving up that precious bathroom time while looking like a fool. Mom calls? Ignore it. Fire alarm? Press on. Makeshift blockade? Keep going. Don’t look back, don’t give up, and don’t waste time. Every second counts.